Final Fantasy Seven Interviews!
by Sacreligious Stigmatic
Summary: Another ZBG and H ficcie! This time we interview the cast of FF7! A sad attempt at humour. R/R!!!
1. Interviewing Sephiroth

Title: Final Fantasy 7 Interviews  
Author: *Hikaru* and Zell Bondage Girl  
Subject: Final Fantasy 7  
E-mail Address: H- Hikaru_Rayearth@Hotmail.Com, ZBG- Zell-Bondage-Girl@Another.Com  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A Note From the Authors:  
  
H {*Hikaru}: We just never learn, do we?   
  
ZBG {Zell Bondage Girl}: Nope.   
  
H: Hehehe.   
  
ZBG: This is yet another attempt at humour from us two deranged little girls!  
  
H: Yupyup, this one is entitled "Final Fantasy 7 Interviews".   
  
ZBG: Same thing as in our "Final Fantasy 8 Interviews", we just basically take the cast of FF7, ask them stupid questions, shock them with electricity, and make them listen to the theme to Pokemon repeatedly.   
  
H: o.0  
  
ZBG: We're not nice people..  
  
H: No, we're not..  
  
ZBG: But it's funny.   
  
H: To us anyway.   
  
ZBG: Hehehe. Okay, here's the first thrilling **Coughcough"Boring"Coughcough** chapter to "FF7 Interviews"!  
  
H: Read and Enjoy!  
  
ZBG: And don't forget to review it after you're done!  
  
H: Yeah! :)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter One: Interviewing Sephiroth  
  
  
H: Hello! And welcome to the first ever episode of Final Fantasy 7 Interviews!  
  
ZBG: Yeah! Since we sucked so bad in our FF8 interviews, we decided to interview the cast of FF7!   
  
H: o.0  
  
ZBG: Our guest for today is............uh-oh...  
  
H: Duh-dum....  
  
ZBG: Sephiroth.   
  
H: Hello, Sephy.   
  
S: It's Sephiroth.   
  
ZBG: Okay, Sephy.   
  
S:..................  
  
H: Okay, let's start the inquistion! I mean.....erm.......questioning!!!  
  
ZBG: Okay, first thing first, how do you feel about being screwed over and beaten by a bunch of punks that you probably coulda killed with your eyes closed?   
  
S: Well, it's what they paid me to do. Although, Mother was very disappointed in me.   
  
H: Mother?   
  
S: Yes, Mother.   
  
ZBG: Are we talking about your real mom, or Jenova?   
  
S: What are you talking about?! Jenova IS my real mother!  
  
H: No she's not.   
  
S: She's not? You're lying! My mommy'd never lie to me!  
  
ZBG puts her hand on Sephiroth's shoulder: I'm sorry, Sephy, but you're real mommy is Lucretia.   
  
S: That old hag?!   
  
H: If you think that's bad... just wait 'till you find out who your father is...   
  
S: Daddy?  
  
ZBG: Should we tell him?   
  
H: I dunno.. how would you feel if you learned that Lucretia was your real mom and then *AHEM* was your real dad? Would you be able to handle it.   
  
ZBG thinks about it: Nah, I'd prollaly kill myself.   
  
H: Hmmmmmmmm..............  
  
ZBG: Ah, fuck it! Let's tell him anyway!  
  
H: 'Kay!  
  
ZBG: Luke... Hojo's your fadda....  
  
S: My name's not... HOJO?!  
  
H nods.   
  
S: OH MY GOD!!! THAT IS JUST DISGUSTING!!! HIS FOREHEAD ALMOST TAKES UP THE WHOLE SCREEN! I CAN'T BE RELATED TO THAT! EWWWWWWWW!  
  
S vomits.   
  
ZBG giggles.   
  
H: Can we get someone in here to clean that up?   
  
ZBG: Okay, next question. Do you have any... romantic feelings.. towards Aeris?   
  
S: The Ancient?   
  
H: Yeah.   
  
S: I'm gay.   
  
ZBG: Oh yeah, you are aren't you?   
  
S jumps out of his chair and points to ZBG accusingly: And you're the one who made me that way!  
  
H: ?  
  
S: I was happily married to Aeris! I had kids! And then you have to go and write a fan fic that puts me with Strife and that little punk, Zach!  
  
ZBG: o.0  
  
H: But you guys make such a good couple!  
  
S: My ass is sore from those two!!!  
  
ZBG: Erm...  
  
H: This is where we enter the "I really didn't want to know that" section of the show..   
  
ZBG: Agreed!  
  
H: Hurry... next question!  
  
ZBG: Okay, okay.. um...lemme see... Oh yeah, is it true that you plan to take over Cephiro?   
  
H whispers to ZBG: Hunny, this is FF7, not Magic Knight Rayearth...   
  
ZBG blushes: Sorry. Um... Is it true that you plan to take over.. -checks and makes sure she's got it right this time- the world!?  
  
S: Who told you that?   
  
ZBG: A little birdy..   
  
S: And does this little birdy have a name?   
  
ZBG: Why, yes, it does.   
  
S: And what's this little birdy's name?  
  
H: Zellllll...................dooooooooonnnnnnn't.......  
  
ZBG: Jenova.....oops....erm...I mean... POKEMON! IT'S ALL POKEMON'S FAULT! BLAME PIKACHU! DEATH TO PIKACHU! PIKA PIKA!  
  
H: -Anime sweatdrops-   
  
S: My mommy.....told on me??  
  
H: She's not your mommy, damn it!   
  
S: Mommy....... Whhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyy???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Jenova comes out: Because, son, I'm in love.   
  
H: Oi?  
  
ZBG: Ew?  
  
S: With who?!  
  
J: Barrett.   
  
H&ZBG: O.O  
  
J: Yes, that's right, I said Barrett.   
  
S: EW!!!!!!! NOOOOOOO! MOMMY NO!!!!!!!! -Runs off crying-   
  
H: Well....um... things didn't exactly go as planned...   
  
ZBG: Didn't get to shock anyone...   
  
H: Yeah.. and we're outta time...  
  
ZBG: -Sniffles-  
  
H&ZBG look at Jenova and get an idea. Jenova slowly backs away towards the door. ZBG grabs her.   
  
H: Thank you for tuning in! Come back next time!!!  
  
-Screen fades out to Jenova's screams and Pokemon theme... hey... that rhymed!!!-  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
* H: Sad.   
  
ZBG: Pitiful  
  
H: Oh well.   
  
ZBG: Let us know who you want interviewed! What questions you want asked!  
  
H: And remember to check out the next chapter to see who will be subjected to us psycho's next!  
  
*  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
*This ficcie belongs to H and ZBG. FF7 is property of Squaresoft. The name Hikaru is property of Magic Knight Rayearth, and so is Cephiro. We don't know who owns Pokemon, but we feel for ya, man. H belongs to Terry Goodkind and ZBG still belongs to Grant. You all were traded by Terry Goodkind back over to us for 1.00 {Aw, you know you're worth at least 1.50! :) }* 


	2. Interviewing Vincent

Chapter Two: Interviewing Vincent  
  
ZBG: Jingle bells, jingles bells, jingle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-whore open sleigh! Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells-  
  
H: *Ahem* We're.....on....the.....air......darling...  
  
ZBG blushes: Oh, sowwy....heh...  
  
H: Hello, and welcome to FF7 interviews!  
  
ZBG: Again!  
  
H: Today we're interviewing Vincent Valentine.   
  
ZBG: Hiya, Vince.   
  
V: ..................  
  
H:.................  
  
ZBG coughs.  
  
V:.................  
  
H sneezes.  
  
V:.............bless you...  
  
ZBG: YOU'VE BEEN BLESSED!  
  
H: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
V:..................  
  
H: Okay...um...first question.... Why are you always so quiet?   
  
V:............nothing to say, nothing to do...   
  
ZBG: -Blinks- Okay....erm... I've got a ? for ya! How did it feel to have Lucretia the Hag leave a gorgeous man like you for some off-beat dawg-ugly freak like Hojo?!  
  
V:........ it was Lucretia's choice.... I'm happy..... if she's happy....  
  
H: HOW CAN YOU BE HAPPY WITH AN IDIOT LIKE HOJO?!  
  
V:...............  
  
ZBG whispers to H. H nods.   
  
ZBG: Alright, we're do something we've never done before! We're gonna make this a double interview!  
  
V:...............???  
  
H: Let's bring out our second guest........ Lucretia the Hag!  
  
L: I'm not a hag!  
  
ZBG: o.0  
  
H: Coulda fooled me!  
  
V:.........Lucretia?!  
  
L:.........Vincent?!  
  
ZBG:.........Rocky?!  
  
H: o.0  
  
L: How are you doing....Vincent?   
  
V: HOW AM I DOING?! I WAS COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH YOU AND YOU LEFT ME FOR A REJECT TO THE FREAK-OF-NATURE CLUB!!!!!! THEN YOU JUST COME BACK INTO MY LIFE AND WANT TO KNOW HOW I'M DOING?!!!!!!!!????????????!!!!!!!!! YOU HAVE SOME NERVE, MAN!!!!!!  
  
H: 0.0  
  
ZBG: Hehehehe....  
  
L: But! Vincent! It wasn't my choice! Hojo took advantage of me! I didn't want it!!!!   
  
V: YOU CAN'T RAPE THE WILLING!!!!!!!!!  
  
ZBG falls off of her chair laughing.   
  
L {Crying}: Vincent, I love you... and only you... always have.... and always will...  
  
V: WELL, GUESS WHAT???!!!! THAT'S JUST TOO BAD!!!!! I'VE FOUND SOMEONE ELSE!!!!!! SOMEONE WHOSE TEN TIMES PRETTIER THAN YOU AND A HUNDRED TIMES BETTER IN BED THAN YOU!!!!!!!!!  
  
H&ZBG: Gasp.  
  
L: {Shocked} WHO?! BRING THE BITCH OUT! I'M GONNA KICK HER ASS!  
  
H: Hey!  
  
ZBG: This is NOT Jerry Springer!  
  
H: Hehehehe...ya shure?   
  
ZBG shrugs her shoulders.   
  
Crowd chants: Bring her out! Bring her out! Bring her out!  
  
-Aeris comes out-   
  
L: The Ancient?!  
  
-Aeris and Vincent kiss passionately-   
  
-Hikaru faints-  
  
-Zell Bondage Girl vomits-   
  
L: HOW COULD YOU?!  
  
V: HOW COULD I?! HOW COULD YOU?! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO LEFT ME FOR HOJO! WELL, GUESS WHAT?! WHILE YOU WERE GONE, AERIS TAUGHT ME HOW TO LOVE AGAIN!  
  
Aeris sticks her tongue out at Lucretia, who in turn, tries to attack Aeris, but is stopped by security.  
  
Security: No hurting the Ancient, ma'am.   
  
L: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.................  
  
H: I think we better end this show now!  
  
ZBG: Yeah! It's getting kinda violent!  
  
H: I'm scared!  
  
ZBG: Mommy!  
  
H: Stay tuned next time!  
  
ZBG: Yeah!   
  
-Screen fades out, Lucretia beating Aeris' head against the wall. Vincent attacking Lucretia. H yawning. ZBG scratching her nose.-  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
H: I'm sorry.   
  
ZBG: Damn.. never knew....  
  
H: Me neither...  
  
ZBG: Stay tuned for our next episode...  
  
H: Yeah... it'll be funny...  
  
ZBG: Heh, right... I believe ya.....sure....whatever you say, man.....  
  
H: o.0  
  
  
  
  
  
*This ficcie belongs to someone stupid. FF7 belongs to SS. H belongs to you and you belong to ZBG. ZBG belongs to Grant* 


	3. Interviewing RedXII

Chapter Three: Interviewing RedXII  
  
  
ZBG: Well, we decided to do another show.   
  
H: Yeah, sorry we haven't been airing lately.   
  
ZBG: Been too bored.   
  
H: Fan Fictioner's Block.  
  
ZBG: Is there such a thing?   
  
H: I don't think anyone actually cares enough to find out.   
  
ZBG sighs: Oh well... Who are we interviewing today?   
  
H: RedXII.   
  
ZBG: Hello, kitty.   
  
R: Hello, ZBG and H.   
  
H: Can I call you pussy?   
  
R blushes: No, you may not!  
  
H: Here, pussy pussy pussy!  
  
ZBG Laughs: Pervert!  
  
H: o_0  
  
R: What do you want to ask me?   
  
ZBG: How does it feel being the only animal in FF7?   
  
R: I'm not.. There was Cait Sith, and the chocobos.   
  
H: I don't like chocobos...  
  
ZBG: WARK!  
  
H: And Cait SIth wasn't real, he was just Reeve in disguise.   
  
R pouts.   
  
ZBG: So, how's life in Cosmo Canyon?   
  
R: Pretty good!  
  
H: I heard you let Cid butt-fuck you.   
  
R: ??????!  
  
ZBG: Hehehe....  
  
R: Where'd you hear a thing like that?!  
  
H: You mean it isn't true.........?  
  
R: OF COURSE NOT!  
  
ZBG: That's not what Cid has to say! Cid! C'mon out!  
  
R: How dare you tell them such lies?!  
  
C: Oh, get off of it, pussy! You know you liked it!  
  
H: Pussy...  
  
ZBG: Hehehehehe....  
  
R crying: How could you do this to me? I'm married, I have kittens!  
  
ZBG: Do you have any pictures?   
  
R: Yes -Brings the photos out-  
  
ZBG: Aw, they're so cute!  
  
H: Just adorable!  
  
R: Yes, this one here is-  
  
C: YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME!  
  
ZBG & H shocked.   
  
R: WELL, YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME AS WELL, BUT I SAW YOU FUKKING THAT BITCH, SHERI!  
  
C: I DID NOT!  
  
ZBG: So... you did let him butt-fuck you?   
  
R: Erm...............................  
  
H: Hahahahahaha....  
  
ZBG: Hehehehe. "Red and Ciddy, sitting in a tree, butt-fucking as fast as can be. First comes the vasoline, then comes the screaming, then comes a blowjob in a baby carriage!"  
  
R: You.......  
  
C: Erm........  
  
H: Hehehehe, that was cute, ZBG!  
  
ZBG: I know. ^_~   
  
H: And, oh so true!  
  
ZBG nods.   
  
R: That's it! I'm leaving!  
  
C: Me too!  
  
R: Wanna come over to my house?! My families out for the week?!  
  
C: Sure?! Can we rent that Barbara Streisand movie again?!  
  
R: Of course?!  
  
R and C leave.   
  
H: ERm........  
  
ZBG: Cid and Red... who knew?   
  
H: Not me...  
  
ZBG: Me neither.........  
  
-Screen fades out to ZBG dancing nekkid to YMCA while H laughs hysterically, shoving money in ZBG's socks.-  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
ZBG: Ugh.   
  
H: Ew.   
  
ZBG: Bye.   
  
H: Later.   
  
  
  
* We don't have anything against homosexual relationships, we are avid gay rights supporters. This was only written in a sick sad attempt at humour.* 


End file.
